Wednesday, May 9, 2012


And sad.

Is that combination possible?  I guess so.

After reading a lot of really good stuff from a new friend this morning, (read: languishing over the fact that I haven't read this stuff sooner, and I could have been better to this person), I'm inspired to write more.  I rarely (well, not rarely...but randomly) find people who truly inspire me when it comes to writing, editing, blogging, etc.  But Sam Smith, if you read this, count yourself as part of this small but mighty crowd of people.

And at the same time, I'm sad.  I see so much of who I could have been when reading Sam's stuff.  Beyond the want to have regrets, I have this dull, aching pain in my gut, wishing I had done so much more with my life at her age and before.  I do wonder what my life would have been like if I had gone to college, majored in English and/or Psychology, been part of an on-campus ministry (not helping to lead one), learned and read and had roommates.  When I was her age, I was getting married, helping Paul with Chi Alpha.  When I was her age, I had this delusional dream of being in 'full-time ministry', and that 'calling' would cause life's problems to wane.  When I was her age, I thought I had plans and dreams, but those plans and dreams were drowned in the trivial and rudimentary parts of "ministry".


I'm not her age anymore, and I have lived through parts of life that usually cause people to shrivel up in fear.  And although we're on the other side, so to speak, there are always going to be other parts to push through.  And I'm never too old to try.

Paul and I are in such a place of disillusion that it's hard to see past the proverbial house of mirrors.  I've never wanted to submerge myself in any specific point of view, trying to remain objective because I thought that was the best way to go.  But now I wonder if I missed out on some form of safety by picking a side, by being more opinionated or educated.  As I sigh in resignation, I can't help but feel a small prick of hope, of excitement, for the future.  Who knows, people?  Maybe all this meandering and muttering will take shape and turn into something inspirational for others.

1 comment:

  1. You know, I've had this same lament, this same battle several times before. I am glad you have that prick of hope. Its hard not to live in constant regret of how you could have spent your time. I battle with that so much. Wish I would have traveled more, done summer missions, done more in depth bible study before i had kids and no time to read...I just have to continue to remind myself that THIS is where I am and THIS is what God has me doing and I need to do THIS to the best of my ability. Its super hard. Super hard. I love you!